A quote from c.c. (via pale-afternoon)
ruins your lungs
dries out all your tears
leaves you lying awake at 4 in the morning
wishing you weren’t alive"
disney paradise vacation (spring is the hardest time of year)
watercolor, gouache and ink on rives bfk
15” x 11 1/4”
Yesterday wasn’t a good day for me.
(1) I don’t really feel well
(2) I’m hormonal (and emotional)
(3) I lost my temper because of someone
(4) I realized things. (Sad part is that they’re not good realizations)
(5) Now i’m starting to question every single decision i’ve made in the past 4 months
Late night/early morning thoughts
My memories of you haunt me at night. I remember all the happy things. And sometimes i wonder, what if i didn’t give up on you? Would we still be friends? I guess so. But then i realize, if i didn’t give up on you, i would have drowned with you. And you know what the saddest part is? It’s that i had to choose. Not between you and her. But between you and myself. I really miss you though.
Sana makita mo.
Ang hirap pa rin pala na makita ka na ganyan pa rin at walang pagbabago. Kahit na hindi na maibabalik sa dati ang lahat, gusto kong malaman mo na may pakialam pa rin ako. Hindi dahil nakikiusisa ako kung hindi dahil kahit papaano ay nagaalala pa rin naman ako sayo. Gusto ko lang naman malaman mo na yung nakuha mo kahapon ay para sa ating dalawa, para sa pagpapatawad mo sa akin at para sa pagpapatawad ko at pagkalimot sa lahat ng masasakit na nangyari. Pero kung hindi mo siya tatanggapin, ayos lang basta’t nasabi ko siya sayo, okay na ako.
Gusto kong tulungan ka. Pero sa nangyari, alam kong wala na akong ibang magagawa para sa iyo kung hindi ang ipagdasal ka. Sana mawala na yang galit sa puso mo, lahat ng hinanakit mo sa mga taong may nagawang mali sa iyo. Sana mapatawad mo sila, para mapakawalan mo lahat ng iyan. Pag nagawa mo iyon, siguro mauumpisahan mo na ring matanggap ang sarili mo bilang ikaw, mauupisahan mo ring makalaya sa lahat ng masasakit na nangyari sayo. At sana bumalik ka at maniwala sa Diyos. Sana alam mo na nandyan siya para sayo.
Ingat, kaibigan! Tandaan mo, hindi ka nagiisa, nawala man ang dalawa, mayroong Diyos na lagi mong makakapitan. Paalam at hanggang sa muli.
I finally did it
I finally did the right thing. I was finally able to forgive and forget, and ask for forgiveness. It feels good. Whether or not they choose to accept it and to give it, i’m okay. I was able to forgive and forget, that’s what’s important
Lettingit all out Day 3
Today is the last day I’m going to write about it. I think my 3-day scheme actually worked. I feel better, happier, lighter (not literally). I feel free, like there’s nothing pulling me down anymore. As I promised myself, after this day, I will never ever write or talk about this ever again.
I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I was being a bitch this morning, especially with the kowloon thing. I know what I did was wrong because I was being mean but I couldn’t help it.
In other news, I didn’t feel the urge to check on her anymore. I was slowly letting go. I didn’t even look at her tumblr or feel the urge to do so, I guess it’s a good sign. Today, I woke up feeling the urge to be a bitch but tonight, I want to thank her for everything :D
I won’t mention your name here because I don’t think you’d like it. But this letter is for you. So…
Thank you for the 3 years we’ve spent together, fighting, laughing, crying, giving and receiving advice, joking around. Thank you for that day back in high school, the day you ate lunch with me and talked to me. You asked me why I was crying and I told you about my fight with my best friend. Thank you for listening, I know I’m 3 years late but, still, better late than never. Thank you for the storied, the advice, for the trust. I know you feel like I broke you trust so I’m sorry. Thank you for all the help, I appreciate every single thing you did for me. And since I still owe you milk tea, and I don’t think you’d want to have milk tea with me, I’ll give it to you together with your skirt during psych tomorrow. :D I don’t know what you like so, I’ll order a Dark Chocolate Milk tea from tea.ology since that’s the only milk tea you ordered whenever we went to a milk tea place together. Thank you for being part of half of my 2010, 2011, 2012, and 2 months of my 2013. We could have been friends longer if only I was strong enough to help you through this, but I’m not so I guess 3 years is really all I can give you. Maybe someday, when I’m stronger I can do it again, but not now. Maybe someday, when we’re both different people, we can be friends again. Maybe. Maybe not. I hope that you’ll be happy with whatever you choose or whatever happens. Just take care of yourself and try to be happy.
P.S. I just wanted to share this. Remember our Psych self-scape? You were part of it. I actually wrote a letter for you. I’ll post it when I find it. And you remember that part where we had to write what we wanted to be or have 20 years from now? You were part of it. I want you to somday get married and be happy and have your own kids with someone you love and someone who loves you. I want you to let go of all the pain, the hatred, the sadness, everything that pulls you down. I hope someday, you do. It’s 11:59 so I’ll have to post this now. :)